Skating is not fun

Ok - there. I've said it.  Skating is not fun.  It doesn't feel like it's EVER been fun. 

I think I just needed to get that off my chest.  The past few workouts have been supremely frustrating.  I'm not making nearly the progress I feel like I should - There are things I am still struggling with that Will taught me over a year ago.  I don't get to be out on the ice and enjoying the movement and actually feeling like what I'm doing looks like something.  It's a soul crushing, ego destroying, clumsy horrid mess that is a chore more than a joy.

My mantra at my lesson this morning was "Crap - I have crap here, I have crap there - I have lots of crap.  You want crap, I can give you crap." All done with a flawless french accent :)

When I said this to Will this morning, he chided me pretty hard about my expectations and standards being way out of line.  He actually said at one point "are you expecting that you will look like me?"  I said - "well, to be honest - Yes, I do.  It doesn't make any sense, but I do".

Of course, this is all bullshit and of course I'm out of my mind and insane - but that's the truth.  I expect that I can do things as well and as effortlessly as my coach, whose been skating since he was a kid.

And so, I hate skating.  Logical, right?  :)

If I'm going to last with the sport, I'm going to have to come to terms with - and be OK with - being crappy.  And that's not something I'm good at.

One of those days.....

Today's lesson was one of "those" days.... you know, the days where you can't find the floor with both hands and you can't prove a week's worth of hard work to your coach because you've suddenly grown an extra leg or something and can't stay on your feet.

yep - it was one of "those" days.

Part of this might be that I'm just tired.  I've upped my practice sessions to twice a day - an hour in the morning and an hour again in the late afternoon after work.  Having that extra time from 5-6pm is really useful because I almost always have the rink to myself and can practice the backwards stuff without worrying about killing a kid.  The downside it that I'm really pooped - work is kicking my butt these days so I arrive at the rink already tired - and then skate hard for an hour.  I think that showed today during my lesson.  I felt like I had made so much progress on the three turn combination and BAM I couldn't even get through the first turn without falling down.  It's like taking your car to the shop, only to have it stop making "that noise".  You look like a fool, and I certainly felt like one today.

yep - it was one of "those" days.  And I HATE "those" days.

Sigh.

Will (and Anna too) is constantly telling me that I set my standards too high and expect too much of myself.  Be that as it may (and he might be right) I still feel like I'm just not making fast enough progress - and that frustrates the hell out of me.

Testing August 16

Well it looks like we finally have a target date for my first tests - August 16.  Yes, I'm terrified.

The good news is that the Dutch Waltz and Canasta Tango will definitely be ready (they are pretty much there now) and it's a good bet that Rhythm & Blues will be ready as well.  It would be nice to pass all three and get to my first level all in one go.  The real question will be whether the first Moves in the Field (MIF) test will be ready or not.  I've got everything but the three turn combination pretty much well in hand at this point, but it all needs polishing.  That three turn combination might not be ready in time as I've not had much time to work on it. Unlike the dances (which you can take individually over several testing periods) the MIF stuff has to all be passed at once.  At any rate, I'm going to leave it up to Will and Anna as to what we tackle.

The one bright spot in all this is that one of the other coaches saw Anna and I working on the Dutch Waltz on Wednesday and asked "why haven't you tested" :)  That made my day more than he will probably ever know.

I've been watching more videos of people testing on YouTube, and it's surprising what crap passes, quite frankly.  I know that Will is setting higher standards for me - mostly because (he says) the adult track doesn't have the rigor of the standard track (the "kids" track) and he thinks I can aspire to more, but I'm honestly surprised at how lame a lot of the testing videos are.  I've mentioned this to Will more than once, worried that in spite of all my work I look just as lame, but he assures me that I don't.  I think I've said before in a post that I don't want to work this hard to just make my way UP to "lame".

I will admit to being a little frustrated - my original goal was to pass my first set of tests within a year of starting - and yes, I'm arrogant :)  Losing last summer to that broken ankle put me at least 5 months behind, so I suppose I'm close to that original schedule - October will be 2 years since I started (DAMN has it really been two years?) so it's more like 16 months when you take out the lost time.  I guess I shouldn't be pissy about it, but I am.  I've never been one to settle for "normal" - been like that all my life.  "Average" is "failure" in my mental calculus.  Don't know where I got that from - certainly my parents never pushed me that hard - but it does make me work hard and set often unreasonable standards for myself.

I wonder if not always living up to my inflated standards is part of why I've always had a deep seated feeling of inadequacy...